Mission Accomplished

This is the story of an awkward girl's journey on a race to find herself by learning to let go...

This is the story of an awkward girl who found herself when she learned to let go... and so much more.

Hershey Kisses

This is My Full 180. I completed the Hershey Half Marathon on Sunday, October 20, 2013, clocking in at 02:20:44 (I'll take it!). I wish I could say I had a huge smile on my face from the starting line to the finish line, but that would be a lie. In fact, there was an actual point at Mile 10 when a hawk was circling above my head on yet ANOTHER hill, and I just wished that it would swoop down and peck my eyes out. And throughout this whole journey, I've opened myself up completely to you in the hopes that being truthful about my experience would maybe, possibly, just so happen to help someone else who felt like their world was imploding all around them. I never claimed to know everything. I still won't claim to having "the secret" to getting over an ex or surviving an ugly breakup. I never imagined my ending to be so... perfect. But the only thing I can do now is be forever grateful for how it turned out for me. And share some of my learnings along the way, if you allow me to entertain you one last time. 

1. It's a BIG accomplishment if it is to you. I'm not a big fan of the "half marathon" race title. On more than one occasion I would be embarrassed to make a big deal about running a half. Ater all, there are people out there who run DOUBLE what I did, some multiple times. But I got over that quickly when I took a step back to remember that 180 days ago, I couldn't even run 1 mile without stopping to walk and catch my breath. Or 180 days ago, I wouldn't run outside because I was too self conscious about the shape I was in. Now you can call it whatever you want - a half marathon, a 13.1 mile run, a 20k - and I will be proud, because it's a big accomplishment for me. 
2. Learn to accept the kindness of others. I've been absolutely humbled by all of the support and love my friends and family have shown me over the past 180 days. But instead of getting overwhelmed, I'm trying to learn how to accept the kindness of others. These people are your friends for a reason. It's absolutely essential in a time of crisis and recovery to surround yourself with positive people who genuinely care about you. And if they truly care about you, they know that you would do anything to repay the favor someday. I've made it my new goal to slowly but surely return all of the love everyone has shown me whether they need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a fanny pack to borrow, a playlist to get them pumped up with, a care package to put a smile on their face...  
3. It's not easy, and no one has to understand that but you. I second guessed myself a lot throughout this journey. What is wrong with me? Why is it taking me so long to get over someone who didn't care about me at all in the grand scheme of things? The just "get over it" mentality never worked for me. I was so blessed for this situation to present itself when I was having a particularly hard time and any drastic change seemed like a good idea. But if I could do it all over again, I would stop worrying so much about what other people thought. I would come to terms with the fact that it was not going to be easy, and embrace the learning experience. 
4. Never settle for anything less than you deserve. I realize now that this would be exactly what I was doing if I stayed with my ex. A longterm relationship (and believe me, I've had my fair share) often stays longer-term than it should because it feels comfortable. But there's a big difference between compromise - which is absolutely essential in a healthy relationship - and making excuses. And when you confuse making excuses for compromise, it couldn't be more important to take a step back and reassess if you are getting what you truly deserve. 
5. Let go of expectations and learn to appreciate what's right in front of you. It's OK to take your time when you are getting to know someone. I grew up believing in love at first sight and I built a long list of criteria for "Mr. Right." This might sound like it's directly contradicting #4, but there's another big difference between getting what you deserve and setting unrealistic expectations. By learning to let go of expectations and really appreciate what is happening around and right in front of you, you see the world differently. I've never seen the world as clearly as I do now. And the fact that my boyfriend was patient through this whole process is just one of the many reasons I know he is my Mr. Right. 

There are too many people than I could possibly ever thank here. But without sacrificing anonymity, there's a few that I need to dedicate this blogging journey to, because without you, there would be no My Full 180.

...My family for teaching me what the true definition of strength is. 

...My oldest friend that taught me that the answer wasn't forgetting, it was learning to set a goal and "let go" of him. Counting down to your marathon in 12 days!  The miracle isn't that you finish, but that you had the courage to start. 

...The very special Mules who convinced me to sign up for a half marathon because we were only "half crazy", life changing trainers and now lifelong friends.

...All my BESTS who weren't physically near (from Chicago to Matawan), but made me feel like they were right there every step of the way.

...The Pages that make up my NYC network, my life blood and calming grace in this incredibly amazing but painfully fast-paced environment. 

...Gene Wilder for his fantastical portrayal of Willy Wonka in the greatest movie of all time.

...The writer of this Half Marathon Survival Guide that taught me what "throwaway clothes" were, so I didn't die of hypothermia because I was too cheap to throw out my running gear.

...The honest man at Mile Marker 4 with the sign that read "You're not even close."

...The designer of bacon scarves (and all other food-related fashions).

...The little boy at Hotel Hershey that took one look at us in our silver burrito capes (aka HeatSheets) post race, and said to his parents, "Look, they're made out of Hershey's!"

...Jessie Spano, neon food dye, aye-ayes, Guy Fieri, countdown clocks, 180 Neapolitan Eatery (in no particular order).

...My boyfriend who stuck by my side stride for stride, never gave up on me, taught me how to begin again, and let me stop to go to the bathroom at Mile 8 (even though pulling my sweaty pants up must have cost us 5-10 minutes). With each other, we're always winning.

- Champion, My Full 180

Jessie Spano Gets Me

And the Beat Goes On...

So (La Ti Do), this wouldn't be my blog if I didn't dedicate a post to music. And I figure 5 DAYS to the half marathon is the perfect time to do just that. Allow me to take you "behind the music" of my life...

It all started with two of my greatest musical influences - big shoutout to Raffi and Sharon, Lois, and Bram. I can't remember a birthday as a child when I didn't ask for a Disney soundtrack on cassette tape. I almost broke my first Casio boombox from overuse. I mean, didn't every prepubescent girl do that when the Spice Girls released "SPICE" in 1996? Or maybe I owe that to my first CD, Janet Jackson's "Design of a Decade". No, just me? Well, at twelve years old, my best friend brought me to my first concert - Beastie Boys. Before you jump to any conclusions, my friend's brother and mom were with us. It would be years before I would realize what that smell was...

When I wasn't stealing my sister's copy of No Doubt "Tragic Kingdom", I was rehearsing with my first band, COZMIC. We broke up later that year citing artistic differences, but these girls (or most of them) are still some of my closest friends today. How could we not be with such hard-hitting lyrics as, "We'll be together forever... best friends."

In middle school, I graduated to going to shows alone. Well, not really. I want to take a minute here to thank my friend's father who waited for us in the parking lot while we watched Reel Big Fish at Club Krome. These were my "awkward" years. I was just coming to terms with my identity. My Eminem poster hung proudly from the head of my bed, but I would choreograph dances with my sister and cousin to the latest and greatest Mandy Moore pop hit on the weekends.

Summers were for Summer Theater. Yes, I went to theater camp. And summers bled into fall which meant All (Jersey) Shore Chorus which bled into the Spring Musical... My life was a calculated rhythm of showtunes, and I loved every measure.

High school meant getting our driver's licenses. Which in turn meant driving with the windows down in the Nissan Sentra and the music blasting. Everyone remembers their summer car bands. Mine were Something Corporate and Dashboard Confessional. And it was these years when I learned the true meaning of "home is where the heart is" - whether it was pumping my hands to the beat in the passenger seat with the starshine of my life (22 DAYS until Ani DiFranco) or creating a secret cassette tape of Christmas cover songs that conveniently "vanished" from existence. I lived for Acoustic Nights, or really, any nights that involved music.

I met one of my best friends in college when we struck up a conversation all because she was wearing a Dredg t-shirt and I was wearing a Get Up Kids one. Little did I know at the time we would go on to create our own critically-acclaimed, Grammy Award-winning band - Arctic Music, an alternative/electronica/pop/death metal group under the management of the infamous Lenny... don't ask, don't tell. Hell yeah, I was in an a cappella group at college. I love my Girls Next Door. Muhlenberg was living Pitch Perfect before it was an infinitesimal germ of an idea in a writer's mind.

I may not have pursued acting after college, but I never lost that flair for a good sing-a-long. You might recognize me from Iggy's Karaoke Bar, closing up shop with such hits as Boyz II Men's "End of the Road".  And as I continue to have the absolute honor of performing at some of my friend's most special days of their lives, I've realized I already have half the playlist figured out for my own. Every girl dreams of their Father/Daughter dance on their wedding day, and mine will be our song, thanks to Frank Sinatra and Celine Dion. A great song for a great man.

And the musical quest doesn't end there. I now have the man of my dreams to share his/my favorite songs with as we create the playlist of our lives together. And I have the best friends and support group a girl could ever ask for, so this is where I want to enlist your help...

Your mission, should you choose to accept: To build the ultimate running playlist.

Shape magazine has some great suggestions, but this will be more personal. Simply comment, post, text, call, ping me with your favorite "track to get you amped up on the track" and I'll add it to my race day playlist. I couldn't think of anything more special than having a musical reminder of you when I need it most at Mile 10. Any help is greatly appreciated. And the beat goes on...

Final Countdown

Pre-race anxiety.

Boy, do I have it. TIP: googling it does not help either, because the list of things I didn't do to train properly keeps getting longer and longer...

I've never had a back problem once in my life, and now I can't even bend my head forward without a sharp pain shooting up my spine.

I'm the biggest proponent of flu shots, and I was too scared today to get it for free in my office on the incredibly rare chance I was going to exhibit flulike symptoms in the next 10 DAYS.

Whenever I walk anywhere now, I never take my eyes off the ground because I'm afraid of rolling an ankle on uneven pavement. Forget about the risk I'm taking that I might walk into a street sign, get hit by a car, or even worse, fall into a chocolate river... nevermind, that would be better.

SNAP OUT OF IT. STRATEGIZE. SUCCEED.

Voluntarily Doormant

"The knight tried and tried to knock down the door to save the fair maiden that was trapped inside, but it wasn't budging. Still, he didn't give up. The door was so strong that eventually the walls around it just crumbled, and he was able to make his way inside." - One of my favorite fairytales...

Maybe because I love the author. But also maybe because it teaches me that the only way out isn't always through. I've found myself using that saying more than once over the past few weeks, and I'm starting to rethink it.

It wasn't a straight shot from there to here. And as I get closer and closer to My Full 180, I'm actually thankful for all the highs and lows, because the lows make the highs that much sweeter. You just have to hold your breath until you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or break down the walls around it.

Some notes about what my new training regime has consisted of (which all unsurprisingly involve food):

• Last Sunday, I ran to Red Hook, ate a key lime pie on a stick, did a wine tasting, and ran back. I tried to convince myself this was the modern day "run before the run." Have you ever tried the "run, drink, run"? 
• Last week, I ate approximately one pound of pasta colored with neon food dye (see Exhibit A), because I loved the look of it way too much to throw it out.  My annual blood work was conveniently scheduled that same week. Funny thing is, my cholesterol has never been better.
• Friday I had a porkchop that tasted like a slab of applewood (FYI this is not a spice) bacon. It was floating on a bed of spaghetti squash that I can only liken to the hair of a cherub. Or Handy Nasty rice fluffed by the mouth of God. 
• Yesterday, I had two bowls of Cocoa Puffs in the Lounge right before I went to bed... with 2% milk. Things are getting WILD. 

Oh yeah, and I've never been happier.

EXHIBIT A

Begin Again

"Don't you know you could have anything you want in life? You've only got to want it bad enough... Do you want it?!"

Those are the last words Regis Philbin heard his Sergeant say before he started his career in television. And those will be the last words I tell myself as I cross that finish line in less than a month.

Tonight closed out a groundbreaking week for "my full 180." Not only did I have the pleasure of meeting one of the most legendary NBC Pages of all time and celebrating the NBC Page Program's 80th Anniversary with some of the greatest people 30 Rock has ever (in)bred, but I took a moment to step back from the wackiness of life and realize what is going on here...

1. T minus 30 days until race time!
2. The end of summer.
3. The beginning of my new life. 

30 DAYS IN SEPTEMBER
9/25 - I'm not going to lie, I fell off the training wagon a little. I find myself reading more articles about running than actually running. I never got around to buying that foam roller. I missed a group run at my five year college reunion because I was hungover. I haven't flossed my feet! How do I taper my training 3-4 weeks out, when I'm less than four weeks out and have never run 3/4 of my final distance? The sun rises later and sets earlier, so there's no way with my 8-7 job to ever see/run in the light of day again. The temperature is so cold at 5am I have to thaw my arms to get my sports bra on. I put my long-sleeve Under Armour on to make the first mile bearable, and then I want to burn it two miles in when I'm sweating my ass off. A few times I actually would have thrown it out on the side of the street if it didn't cost more than my non-subscription to Netflix. And today when I was being chased by two raccoons (NOCTURNAL creatures), I prayed for the good old days when dodging pigeons was a minor inconvenience. It's crunch time.

SO LONG SWEET SUMMER
9/22 - The Autumnal Equinox. It only happens twice a year, when the plane of the Earth's equator passes the center of the Sun. At this time the tilt of the Earth's axis is neither away nor towards the Sun. Night and day are about equal length, a perfect balance.* And I can say for certain that this weekend I finally found my balance. Most people are sad to see summer go, but I welcome Fall with open arms. PSLs (Pumpkin Spice Lattes), Pumpkin Spice Pepperidge Farm Swirl loaves, fall foliage, sweater weather, homecoming. It's also the time to look back on our favorite summer memories, maybe our favorite Summer Songs. For me it was the summer we found each other...

BEGIN AGAIN
9/19 - It worked. It was a long journey, it still is a journey, but the awkward girl let go. And boy, did she let in someone good (#4). The significance here is so much more than a Facebook status change or a title (that I couldn't be more excited or feel more lucky about, by the way). It's a reminder to anyone that has loved and lost that you can begin again. It doesn't have to be a significant other. It could be a loved one, a job, a hot dog torta that isn't on the menu anymore... but eventually when you learn to let go you make the necessary room in your life for something better. I know there are no words that people can tell you when you are in that dark place to make the pain go away, but hopefully you can chalk this blog up as just another testimonial that it (this) too shall pass.

So don't you know you can have anything you want in life? You just have to want it, like Regis.

*SOURCE: Wikipedia.com 

Running Through Rainbows

The Color Run. Color Me Rad. Run or Dye. Pigment Prance. Hue Hustle... OK, I made a few of those up. But you get the point.

No matter how over-saturated the "group run" market gets, I do believe that all of these small races have a big purpose. Whether running from zombies or sliding in foam, they make the non-runner in all of us think twice about starting to move. And that's all that matters.

Last weekend I "ran" in the Happiest 5k on the Planet.

Four best friends of all different athletic abilities sticking together. Just like the artificial coloring to my elbow pit sweat. Running through rainbows, intaking so much dye through every orifice of their bodies that their snot would be green for days (I liked it - it tasted like pancake mix), and crossing the finish line holding hands. Having so much fun doing it that they actually start thinking about the 2014 race on the debrief home. That's what group running is all about.

People ask me all the time if I like running yet. I used to think that one day a switch would be turned on in my body short-circuiting me to love running. But the truth is, I don't think we are all programmed that way. I've never once chosen a run over scooping an unnecessarily offensive amount of spinach dip on a tortilla chip or playing wheels with my nephew. What I do like about running though is what it does to me as a person. The discipline, the routine, the progression, the results. Don't get me wrong, you can make it easier. I've tried to watch foods where I can and say NO to happy hours more frequently than I used to, but you don't have to change yourself completely to be a runner.

Running, on the other hand, has changed me. It gives me something to focus on when I feel lost. It gives me something to look forward to when I am lonely. It brought me closer to my friends and family (you should have heard how me running became the talk of the town at a family BBQ this weekend - what SCANDAL!). And it continues to bring me closer to someone who is very important to me...  I'm telling you, you haven't lived until you've sprinted through a radar detector exclamation point.